my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
