WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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