I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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