Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
