do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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