No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
