Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
