I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think a kid would responsible me up
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
