Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
