I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
