You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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