A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
