I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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