Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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