Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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