i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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