All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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