i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You're like the curious george of whores
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
