I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
