i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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