just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
