Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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