and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
