i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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