i just wanna soil my oats bro
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
