Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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