i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
