I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
