Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
