our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
