last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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