Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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