Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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