just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
