she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
