I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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