Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
