Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
