If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
