living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
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