I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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