Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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