I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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