my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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