White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
