I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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