meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
