I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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