I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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