Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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