Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
