Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
