from now on my penis is your penis
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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