Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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